Star Wars Episode VIII... yep Luke is still a lil bitch

Spoiler Alert... there are no spoilers

No... you're not

Nope... I just decided to give some quick thoughts today in advance of the new Star Wars movie coming out tonight. Look, I love Star Wars, I always have, I always will. I have to be honest though,  I loathe the character of Luke Skywalker; and now I have to deal with his punk ass on the screen again. 

Seriously he's just a weak ass Jedi. Pretty sure the Force skipped a generation with him. His Jedi claim to fame is levitating Goldenrod above a bunch of pint-sized Furries. I mean what else has Luke done that's impressed with his Jedi skills? Nada, zilch, not a motherfucking thing.

Furries... cute, until they bring out the butt plugs

FFS... Dooku at least could use his skills with the Force to swing bolted down, industrial sized metal containers off a rock wall. Palpatine used that shit to swing those floatie seats around in the Senate chamber and knocked Yoda off his ass. (Hey Luke, it's okay little buddy, here's a nice Jedi participation ribbon for trying)

He whines about EVERY damn thing, see "I can't face him again" from Episode VI, like a teenage girl who missed getting tickets for a Zayn concert. Don't get me started on his saber wielding skills. I mean it's probably a good thing that Dad wiped out all the Padawan learners, as I'm sure one of em would have "accidentally" killed Luke in a training accident. If not one of them, then you know Mace Windu would have done it, in order to save the Jedi council any bad press with the Galactic Senate.

Seriously, you know both Obi Wan and Yoda are second guessing their decision in the Force "after life" to train Luke over his sister. (Apparently male misogyny is alive and well in a galaxy far, far away) Now Princess Leia? Total bad ass... she was still a teenage girl when she set out to lead the Rebellion and basically told Vader to go fuck himself in episode IV. (Granted that led to about 7 billion deaths on Alderaan... but hey, a girl can only put up with so much macho posturing, even from dear old Dad) My girl has the stones to do what needs being done in a Rebellion, which Luke apparently doesn't or at least whose stones never dropped.

At least Han went out like a man. Sacrificing himself, because he believed he was saving and helping his son, Rylo, become a better Sith. #Dad #ParentingAintEasy #Scoundrel So yeah, Kylo is a little rough around the edges;but for chessus sake, his supposed Master abandoned him to run away and hide. Did Kylo break down and abandon his training? Nope... he manned up, trained himself without a Sith Lord or Jedi Master, and made his own sweet ass lightsaber; complete with a questionable, if not dangerous dual saber guard. #notanengineer #ohmywrist #thatsgonnaleaveamark


What Rey is thinking going to Luke for help, IDFK... talk about working with a handicap. I'm pretty sure about 20 mins into the movie, we're going to see Rey be like: "Fuck this old dude. His Force skills are for shit & I bet he likes Zayn. I'm going back to Jakku and finding a cantina!".

I can't EVEN with this bitch... fuck the Rebellion

Even R2-D2 didn't go with Luke to that water world he hides out on; which on the surface has better amenities and conditions than Dagobah... but the reason Yoda chose Dagobah, was because he knew that no one would come looking for him on that shit-tastic swamp of a planet. Again, classic case of our little bitch friend, Luke, taking the easy route; and shocker... he got found! (DUDE, YOU SO FUCKING SUCK) Anyway, I digressed there. What was I saying? Oh yeah... R2 just shut himself the fuck down and gave Luke a big ole 404 - Not Found error. (The fact it took him so long to re-boot is a Windows 10 issue I'm guessing)

So to all the Star Wars friends, May the Force be with you.
I REALLY hope Luke dies in this one. 



MUNCH